Jesus (1979)

Behold!  For I have found the worst Jesus movie ever made!  Jesus is available for free on the Internet in every language ever.  It's a word for word adaptation of the Book of Luke.  The actors don't even act it out so much as they just sort of recite it.  Also, Jesus apparently had access to a blow dryer.  It might be good to watch if you are trying to memorize the Book of Luke, otherwise you can skip it.

Jesus of Nazareth (1977)

Jesus of Nazareth is six hours long.  I broke it up into two viewings, but you might want to make it three.  It is very thorough, and actually very good.  So far it's my favorite Jesus movie.  It covers everything from before conception to after the Resurrection.  The acting is very well done.  The characters (even Jesus!) behave like real people.  The costumes manage to be both historical and interesting.  At this point I would suggest that if you are trying to watch your way through history and only want to watch one Jesus movie, watch this one if you have the attention span for it.

Godspell (1973)

Of all the movies I've watched about Jesus, Godspell is by far the stupidist.  I guess if you really like watching hobo-clowns act out parables you should watch it, but otherwise it has nothing to reccomend it.

Jesus Christ Superstar (1973)

Jesus Christ Superstar (1973) is the harrowing tale of a Manson family style cult who drags a man out into the desert and crucifies him.  Seriously, watch it, the guy playing Jesus never gets back on the bus at the end.  That does explain why he seems so stressed.....

The Greatest Story Ever Told (1965)

The Greatest Story Ever Told is another very long, very thorough account of the life of Jesus.  Unlike King of Kings it doesn't try to spice things up with any unnecessary sub-plots.  As usual, I had to break it up into two sittings.  Jesus was once again completely devoid of personality.  It also contains a very scene-ruining cameo by John Wayne.  The movie does, however contain some beautiful shots of the American southwest.

King of Kings (1961)

Although King of Kings deals with the same subject as the 1928 film of the same name, it is not intended to be a remake.  It thoroughly covers the events of Jesus' life from begining to end.  It also added a subplot about Barabbas being a Jewish freedom fighter, make him the 'Prince of War' and Jesus the 'Prince of Peace'.  Although it does explain why the Jews were so keen on releasing Barabbas, it doesn't help the movie much.  It's very long and I had to watch it in two sittings, also Jesus is pretty devoid of personality.

The Kings of Kings (1928)

First a bit of housekeeping, I am now leaving Rome behind and traveling backwards slightly to Jesus.  I'm actually going to watch several of these movies because there is a lot of them, and it's a very culturally significant topic.  I started with The King of Kings.  I watched the 1928 cut, although there is a longer 1927 version.  It is a long, Cecil B. DeMille silent movie.  I found the beginning to be pretty entertaining, as it starts out with Mary Magdalene at her whoreiest.  But by the time they got to the last supper I was starting to get kind of bored.  Surprisingly a few scenes at the end are in 2-strip technicolor, which creates a neat effect.

Satyricon (1969)

Satyricon is difficult to describe.  It's strange, but not exactly alienating.  It follows the bizarre and often sexual adventures of a young Roman man and his frienemy.  It's taken from an ancient book by Petronius that has only survived in fragments, and so the plot itself is very fragmented.  It's not always clear how one scene leads into another, and the movie ends in mid sentence.  (Which I think turns out to be a nice metaphor for life.)  It can be hard to find, but I highly recommend watching it.

A Funny Thing Happened on The Way to The Forum (1966)

For this entry I decided to set aside my hatred of Sondheim (Broadway's most repetitive composer) and watch A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum.  And much to my surprise, I actually kind of enjoyed it.  The score is sort of pleasantly forgettable, and they don't repeat songs too much.  It's loosely based off the work of Plautus.  The main plot revolves around a young man trying to woo the hooker next store with the help of his slave.  It's a farce, so mistaken identities abound, but everything gets sorted out in the end.  As far as historical accuracy goes, they weren't really trying.

Titus (2000)

Titus probably doesn't really belong on this list, but I like it so much I couldn't resist.  It uses the text of William Shakespeare's Titus Andronicus and isn't based on any actual historic event.  It is, however, wonderfully weird and very gory.  The acting is superb.  It takes place simultaneously in ancient Rome and the present, and tells the sad tale of a formerly great man caught in a horrible cycle of revenge, with almost everyone losing in the end.

Attila (2001)

We are nearing the fall of Rome with Attila a made for TV mini-series starring Gerard Butler.  It is short enough to watch in one go.  I found it to be kind of cheesy but still entertaining.  Gerard Butler was sexy, but at times his accent sounded kind of odd.  I don't really know what the Huns wore, so I can't comment on their clothing.  The Roman look was creeping toward Byzantine, but at one point Honoria was wearing an absurd sea-foam green corseted number.  The battles were surpriseingly good, the Romans even held their lines for more than three seconds, and didn't instantly discard their spears.

Invincible Gladiator (1963)

Invincible Gladiator is available for free on YouTube.  It's one of many cheap peplum films made in the 60s.  It's about a gladiator who defeats a corrupt general or something.  I fell asleep about 20 minutes in.  I felt like I should try to review at least on of these movies, since they made so many, but it was really awful.  I'm not putting it on the list, because I'm not sure where it should go.

Gladiator

Gladiator is the 2000 spectacle starring Russell Crowe.  In the opening battle the Roman armor looks period accurate, but like most movies set in this era, wants they start fighting accuracy goes out the window.  The Roman soldiers hold their line for about 3 seconds before breaking off into 1-on-1 sword fights.  Do directors think a Roman battle where the soldiers actually hold the line would be boring?  Inaccuracies aside, it was refreshing to watch a movie a made during my life time for a change.  The movie is, of course, wonderful to look at, although the CGI looks a bit fake, and even though it is 2 and half hours long it never drags.

I, Claudius (1976)

I, Claudius is an excellent television series.  It took me a while to get through all of it, because I had to wait for some of the discs.  It covers the reigns of Augustus, Tiberius, Caligula and Claudius, but still manages to be surprisingly easy to follow.  I felt that some of the earlier episodes dragged, but once Caligula enters the picture it gets really interesting.  The characters tend to be color coded, with good guys in green and bad guys in blue and gold, but this isn't universally true.  Herod is always readily identifiable in purple.  Some of the fabrics used looked cheap in a very modern kind of way, and I don't believe Romans ever wore green togas, still it was very entertaining to watch and I recommend it.  The DVD also comes with a documentary about the failed attempt at a full length movie version of the book, which was also interesting.